recreating memories that you lived and lost

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i'm angry. i'm angry and sad and i feel like a petulant child.  you lost yourself. you lost your memories, you lost your family.  that was my fault. you were 68 yrs old and i help organize care facilities.  that blows my mind.  68 is so young. you were so young.  you hated me at the end. you knew i was the reason you had to leave. even after the police found you walking in the middle of a busy road with no shoes. even after it all. you hated me in the end. none of this is your fault, i know that with every fiber of my being, but i'm so, so angry and sad and thats why i feel like such a child. 

and while i was there trying to hold the pieces together, i lost myself too. flying to michigan once a month to drop everything to come and clean the house; cook and freeze weeks worth of meals because dad couldn't bring himself to cook; bringing groceries, washing clothes, making sure that the other one also needing love, attention and affection is getting cared for. i was empty and on auto-pilot.  i put my life on hold. and now you're gone. and i'm angry that there's some level of relief because YOU were sad and angry and in pain. but also because i was empty.


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