i know that if you're awake, i know that i will stay.

sometimes, when i feel at my most vulnerable, you somehow creep back into my dreams.  it's typically when i'm least expecting it.  i don't even realize it's actually happening. it's something i typically overlook in the actual moment. but my brain is cruel. and when i fall asleep, there you are.  in the garden of memory, in the palace of dreams, that's where we shall meet.

i'll wake up with a startle, not having been that close to you in years. and then i fight to find my way back to you.  fight to trick my mind to fall back into our storyline, whatever that may be, just so i can spend the few more minutes with you.  

i spend the next day inside my own head. re-reading old emails.  what haven't i deleted over the years?  i knew in my times of strength i would try and find these again. back at rock bottom. back at square one.

i, of course, know that nothing about this is real.  it's all in my head.  and honestly, feeling this nostalgia and reliving this loss is easier.  it's a familiar ache.  i know it all too well. i know how to navigate it.  it's easy.  so i grasp at any old memory. any outdated conversation.  anything tying me back to you so that i don't have to focus on the new without you in it.